Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.
And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them.
And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,
They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.
Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?
This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.
So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”
And Before Jesus could continue preaching he did see among the crowd two men who were holding hands and he could not continue.
“Aw sick” Jesus did say unto the crowd. “Don’t do that here. Kids could see.”
Jesus stuck out his tongue and shivered to show unto the crowd that he was creeped out.
“Blech,” said the son of God.
“But lord,” said one of the men, “Didst thou not say ‘Judge not lest ye be judged'”
And Jesus said unto the men, “I’m not judging you. I just don’t want you shoving your lifestyle in my face like this.”
“What thou doest in your own bedroom is your business, just keep it away from me.” With that, the lord did shiver again to show the crowd that this was not his bag. Jesus didst love the ladies.
“But lord,” said one of the men. “If indeed we are sinners how do we differ from the adulterous woman you have just spared.”
“At least she hath done it with someone of the opposite gender,” said Jesus. “How doth two dudes even work, do you just…” Then the lord did repeatedly poke the two tips of his pointer fingers together in an attempt to demonstrate how he thought it might work.
Jesus, now imagining the actual act did shudder again. “Sick” he said.
“Ya know what,” said Jesus. “I don’t want to see this stuff anymore. From here on out, I will consider this a sin. Keep hanging out with the prostitutes and poor people and all, but if you see two dude kiss, thou must tell them it is a sin.”
“But lord,” said one of the men. “What reason dost thou have for condemning us?”
“What reason do I have?” asked Jesus. “I’m fucking God. I need not a reason to declare it a sin.”
And Jesus did proclaim unto his followers “Let it be known from here on out that gay shit will not be tolerated in the eyes of the Lord. Thou shalt not accept the lifestyle, or interact with those who practice it. Most importantly, if any of them ever ask you to bake them a wedding cake, thou must refuse. If you show them any sort tolerance, you will burn in hell alongside these sinners. I cannot be any clearer about this.”
The two men did begin to protest, but Jesus did say unto them, “Seriously? You are going to try and argue with me? I’m literally God.”
With that, the Lord did turn to his disciples and say “Come on, guys. Let’s go hit up Galilee and check out the local talent.” With that, the lord and his followers did depart.