A. Gallons of Sweat: The bane of your existence for the next three months…or eight, depending on how long global warming makes the summer this year. It’s constant. It starts on your head and drips down your body until you’re a wet sticky mess. They say it’s supposed to keep you cool but you still feel hot as balls, so you’re thinking that God really fucked up on this one.
B. Random Red Spots: A weird, bumpy discoloration on your skin that you wish wasn’t there. It doesn’t hurt or itch or anything, it’s just gross. In your mind, the red spots could be anything from a rash to some sort of odd new STD. You tell yourself it’s just your skin reacting to your sweat because that’s probably what it is, but you still decide to keep an eye on it just in case.
C. Thin Goo Layer: An unpleasant film covering your body that’s a mix of the bug spray, suntan lotion, and sweat that leaves your body covered in a thin, uncomfortable film for the majority of the day. You won’t be truly happy until you get home and shower it away. That said, no matter how much you clean, you can always still kinda feel it there.
D. Summer FUPA: When your attempts at getting the perfect “summer body” failed, you ended up swinging in the other direction of weight loss habit and actually ended up gaining quite a bit of weight. On one hand, your new belly does not help you cope with the heat. On the other hand though, you were gonna feel gross all summer anyway so who cares? Might as well eat what you want.
E. Exceptionally Gross Feet: Once all the sweat trickles down your body, it inevitably ends up pooling in your shoes. It then festers in the heat like a stinky loaf of bread in your oven. By the end of the day, your feet are grosser than anything found in nature.
F. Unexpected Sunburn: Even though you put on sunscreen, and even though you were barely outside for that long, you still somehow ended up with a patch of on your neck and shoulders. It hurts like a bitch and for some reason it’s still hot, even though you haven’t been in the sun for hours. Have fun peeling off dead skin for the next couple of days.
G. Ass Sweat: The worst iteration of sweat that there is. There’s not a lot to say about it besides it sucks.
H. Inconvenient Mosquito Bites: They itch so bad!!!!!! You don’t even remember seeing a mosquito, but apparently one of those little fucks made a feast out of your blood. What’s worse, they picked the most inconvenient part of your body to chow down on. Scratching is necessary and near impossible. It requires a lot of balancing on one foot and rubbing your shoe against the back of your leg. You’re not sure how long you can tolerate the itch for, but what you are sure of is that you need summer to be over immediately.